Grief

This last week has been difficult emotionally.

My husband's grandmother passed away after a short illness. We are too far away to go be with the family to grieve alongside them. It has been difficult for us all, but especially for my husband.

Two individuals who we knew in ministry life have died as well. One tragically and another through cancer. That's been hard to process.

This time of year is the PCS cycle. Where we mourn the loss of all those who have been a part of our lives for years. Or maybe months.

We really don't like this time of year.

I sobbed in the car after saying goodbye to a good friend and my daughter came with me. She cried, too, as her friend was also leaving with their family. It made me sadder.

I wish I could stop the pain of loss. I wish I could celebrate the next thing to come.

But instead I just feel sad. and overwhelmed at a loss for words.

"You have put me in the lowest pit,
    in the darkest depths.
7 Your wrath lies heavily on me;
    you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.[d]
8 You have taken from me my closest friends
    and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;
9     my eyes are dim with grief" Psalm 88:6-9
Psalm 88:6-9

Finishing up this encouraging book called, Partners in Ministry - Help and Encouragement for Ministry Wives by Christine Hoover.

Excellent read.

One of the quotes that really struck me was ..."And because I can go to Him to receive everything I need, I can take what I receive and then go and give, pouring out my life just as Christ poured out His life for me. He serves me (What a thought!) and I serve Him in response by serving others with the very love He's given me.
So perhaps I can even find the strength to unload the dishwasher." (Found in the chapter When you need to receive)

I've been trying to figure out the balance between always pouring out your life, heart, mind, and your entire being and actually having a personhood on the other side of that....like I'm not a robot and I have needs and feelings too.

So what does that look like?


And this concept of the fact that when I am pouring out my life, God is actually giving to me. I'm pouring out and pouring out and then I'm empty and I'm tired of hearing people's problems and then I want to hide in a corner. But God is actively encouraging and strengthening me and hasn't left me.  In fact, He is serving me.

Why? I should be the one pouring out, right?

Nope.

He's the one who is serving me.

My son has this children's craft on his wall...its the same concept. Jesus loves me and can enable me to serve others.

Its not a matter of me spending my life and then forgetting that I too have a limit. Its when I reach that limit that I realize that I needed God all along.  And He is limitless. He is God. He has no end to what He can do.  No limit to what He can provide. His patience never goes empty with me. I am ever grateful for that.

It felt like a release to my heart!!