Suffering is usually something we fear. Something we avoid. In fact, my generation goes out of its way to avoid possible pain, struggle or a fear. I would rather ignore that then deal with it.
So when my wallet was either lost or stolen while we were in Australia, my heart had a struggle.
Interestingly enough, we were at a church conference in which the last speaker had shared his heart about suffering and how it was necessary to go through suffering in order to achieve God's purposes.
I was processing some other areas of my life that were a moment of suffering, having feared the dealing with them thing because that meant that more suffering was ahead. So I had surrendered to God that fear, dealt with the pain that was being pushed away and had what some would call a come to Jesus moment.
Two hours later, my wallet containing all my identification except for my passport, was gone. In a foreign country. And I had to return to another foreign country which was not my passport country.
I was nervous to say the least.
Thankfully there were no problems returning back to our home. However, my heart had been through the wringer.
I didn't understand what the point was. God could have prevented the theft or loss easily. He's done it before. The cost to replace all the cards was a very minimal one and my wallet (which has yet to be replaced) was falling apart.
However, my heart was left wondering why.
It seems like a little suffering in the broad scheme of life. I didn't contact a deadly disease or have some other crime committed. However, my heart has struggled with the timing of it all.
And I know others have much worse happening right now. But for some reason I'm still processing it. And I've wanted to go numb, to ignore it, to pretend like it didn't matter, or that somehow I've moved past that, because its so small...
But like this author says...
"We often go numb because we think we can't handle the darkness; the darkness in us, the darkness around us. Our hearts grow tired of carrying hurt and it feels much easier to disengage. The lie we believe is that a full life is a life without pain.
But as we move through the dark, we search frantically for God, not for ideas about Him but for God Himself. He is there, right past our idea of a perfect comfortable life." (Nothing to Prove by Jennie Allen)
That's what I really want from God. I want no more suffering. I want nothing else to mar my perfect world. And instead I spend my time mourning the loss of what I expected instead of seeing the beauty of what God is doing in the middle of it.
Because I lost/had my wallet stolen, we were able to find a friend's daughter's backpack that she misplaced. I was able to get the paperwork for my husband for our son's visa. We were able to get a replacement insurance card for our son which needed to happen. The CC ended up needing to be replaced anyhow a couple of weeks later. I had to replace one of my Ids in a couple of months anyhow. We had the joy of watching God accomplish all of that in a short amount of time. Our church family prayed for us, and I was able to see God get me thorough immigration with no problems.
So good came from it. And no money was taken from our bank thankfully.
But I'm still dealing with it...its not completely over yet. I still have minor store cards that have to be replaced.
"Jesus has a plan for our suffering, but that cannot be accomplished if we keep trying to push it into a safe, tidy place in our closet. His plans in us are accomplished as we move into the pain. We can face the suffering because Jesus is there in the midst of it." (Nothing to prove)
I have felt peace since all this happened, but still a sense of perplexion. Uncertainty. And even betrayal by God. And a sense of nakedness because my entire life was known by the crook or even by whoever eventually found it. A sense of lack of privacy. Uncertainty if there will be future ramifications. So still some work to be done with God. Some questions to bring before Him.
All this from one little wallet.
