Suffering

Suffering is usually something we fear. Something we avoid. In fact, my generation goes out of its way to avoid possible pain, struggle or a fear. I would rather ignore that then deal with it.

So when my wallet was either lost or stolen while we were in Australia, my heart had a struggle.
Interestingly enough, we were at a church conference in which the last speaker had shared his heart about suffering and how it was necessary to go through suffering in order to achieve God's purposes.
I was processing some other areas of my life that were a moment of suffering, having feared the dealing with them thing because that meant that more suffering was ahead. So I had surrendered to God that fear, dealt with the pain that was being pushed away and had what some would  call a come to Jesus moment.

Two hours later, my wallet containing all my identification except for my passport, was gone. In a foreign country. And I had to return to another foreign country which was not my passport country.
I was nervous to say the least.

Thankfully there were no problems returning back to our home. However, my heart had been through the wringer.

I didn't understand what the point was. God could have prevented the theft or loss easily. He's done it before.  The cost to replace all the cards was a very minimal one and my wallet (which has yet to be replaced) was falling apart.

However, my heart was left wondering why.

It seems like a little suffering in the broad scheme of life. I didn't contact a deadly disease or have some other crime committed.  However, my heart has struggled with the timing of it all.

And I know others have much worse happening right now. But for some reason I'm still processing it. And I've wanted to go numb, to ignore it, to pretend like it didn't matter, or that somehow I've moved past that, because its so small...

But like this author says...
"We often go numb because we think we can't handle the darkness; the darkness in us, the darkness around us. Our hearts grow tired of carrying hurt and it feels much easier to disengage. The lie we believe is that a full life is a life without pain.
But as we move through the dark, we search frantically for God, not for ideas about Him but for God Himself.  He is there, right past our idea of a perfect comfortable life."  (Nothing to Prove by Jennie Allen)

That's what I really want from God. I want no more suffering. I want nothing else to mar my perfect world. And instead I spend my time mourning the loss of what I expected instead of seeing the beauty of what  God is doing in the middle of it.

Because I lost/had my wallet stolen, we were able to find a friend's daughter's backpack that she misplaced. I was able to get the paperwork for my husband for our son's visa. We were able to get a replacement insurance card for our son which needed to happen. The CC ended up needing to be replaced anyhow a couple of weeks later.  I had to replace one of my Ids in a couple of months anyhow. We had the joy of watching God accomplish all of that in a short amount of time. Our church family prayed for us, and I was able to see God get me thorough immigration with no problems.

So good came from it. And no money was taken from our bank thankfully.
But I'm still dealing with it...its not completely over yet. I still have minor store cards that have to be replaced.
"Jesus has a plan for our suffering, but that cannot be accomplished if we keep trying to push it into a safe, tidy place in our closet.  His plans in us are accomplished as we move into the pain. We can face the suffering because Jesus is there in the midst of it." (Nothing to prove)

I have felt peace since all this happened, but still a sense of perplexion.  Uncertainty.  And even betrayal by God. And a sense of nakedness because my entire life was known by the crook or even by whoever eventually found it. A sense of lack of privacy. Uncertainty if there will be future ramifications. So still some work to be done with God. Some questions to bring before Him.

All this from one little wallet.

Do the next thing

This phrase is so common in our culture today. I'm not sure it originated with this poem. However, I found it really encouraging when I read it today in the devotional,
"Beholding and Becoming" by Ruth Chou Simons.
She copied it from Elisabeth Elliot's newsletter here.

"From an old English parsonage down by the sea,
There come in the twilight a message for me,
Its quaint Saxon legend, deeply engraven,
Hath, as it seems to me, teaching from Heaven.
And on through the hours the quiet words ring,
Like a low inspiration: DO THE NEXT THING.

Many a questioning, many a fear,
Many a doubt, hath its quieting here.
Moment by moment let down from Heaven,
Time, opportunity, guidance, are given.
Fear not tomorrows, Child of the King,
Trust them with Jesus. DO THE NEXT THING.

Do it immediately; do it with prayer;
Do it reliantly, casting all care;
Do it with reverence, tracing His hand
who placed it before thee with earnest command,
stayed on Omnipotence, safe 'neath His wing,
leave all resultings. DO THE NEXT THING.

Looking to Jesus, ever serener,
{working or suffering} be thy demeanor.
In His dear presence, the rest of His calm,
the light of His countenance be thy psalm.
Strong in His faithfulness, praise and sing!
Then, as He beckons thee, DO THE NEXT THING."
(Source unknown)

Bingata Painting!

My first Bingata painting!

Bingata is a very old Okinawan process of dyeing cloth Okinawan with stencils and bright colors.  It is a gorgeous art form and I'm really glad I was able to enjoy making one to hang on our wall.
In case you want to read more of it, here is a good article on it!

For my friend's birthday, a bunch of ladies went out to paint at this really cool painting place in Naha. It was called Gusuku Bingata Dyeing Studio. First, we picked out our patterns and then they laid them out on the table with the paint. I was so excited!! One of my favorite things to do in life is paint! Every chance I get to paint is a beautiful one. I like to play music, podcast, or some 'old' TV show in the background. After we had all our patterns, the instructor explained that you had to soak the paint into the fabric and slowly rub the paint in circles. We spent about forty-five minutes painting our designs which dried as we painted. After all the pictures, we were given directions for a week later. So I brought mine home and laid it out to dry for a week. After a week, I rinsed out the glue and then soaked it for a couple of hours. Then, it came out all cute!

These are the fish flags that fly in the spring for Children's Day

Brevity of LIfe

It's Cherry Blossom Season again - a short 3-4 weeks in the spring here in Japan. The weather has felt especially cold and bitter somedays and other days it feels warm and full of promise. I know this happens every spring, but somehow it reminds me of the shortness of life.

The buds are just beginning to open up and become flowers. Soon, they will be gone and replaced by fully mature green leaves.

It reminds me of the shortness of this parenting season. My children are tiny and ready to grow, but they will soon be grown, not in need of constant care. I need to learn to appreciate where they are at, but sometimes I mourn that its hard or that its not an easy path to maturity.

Rather, I should sense the time is fleeting, my time will not be forever, they will move onto other places, have other loves, other desires. They will not always cling to me, or demand my attention, or seek me out as if I'm lost and they found me.

Someday, they will want me but not as desperately as they do now when they are scared or overwhelmed or just bored.

So like the cherry blossoms, I should learn to cherish the time.  It is short. It is fleeting. And the life they have is precious.

Work

The holidays are over. The parties are done.

Why am I having such a hard time working again? Why am I not motivated to dive back in?

What's the hang up?

Why should we work?

There's a moment when rest is over and work must begin. For a parent there's never really an off time, you must always be ready to work or you are being a lazy parent and allowing your kids to fend for themselves.

Work is choosing to do what needs to be done when you would rather be on the couch being lazy.

When its time to work, I'm learning how to keep at it. Sometimes, I tend to be lazy, part of which is probably is probably because I had a fairly lax schedule as a homeschooler. Every day as long as my chores and school work was done, I could schedule life however I wished mostly alone. which made my introverted heart happy.
But when its time to work, I should view it as a good thing. Our church did a series on work and the theology of worka year or so ago. It was good to hear because sometimes I forget that God is the one who created work for good. Sin mares all of life including work, but its actually a good thing for both our bodies and our minds.

So I should rejoice in work instead of dreading it. I want to be able to see how God has created it for good and not dread the time to work.

Nor do I want to be a work-aholic and forget about all the other things and people God has also called me to.

Hair

Every part of my hair has defined me throughout my life. I have red hair. It s a defining characteristic. I also have thick curly hair. And I live in one of the most humid places on earth. 

Needless to say, it has been an integral part of my life since birth. 

When our family moved here to Okinawa, I had a hard time finding a good solution for a hair stylist as I didn't know where to go or what to do. 

It has taken me on a long journey, from the worst hair cut of my life, resulting in wearing super short hair for a very long time, to a hair cut at a missionary retreat, to a stylist in the states, to here finding a lady who is cutting hair on base. 

It was quite literally a spiritual experience for me. I was scared that it would go really badly and then I would be forced to live with it for awhile. 

But it didn't go badly. The hair stylist was a master curly hair lady and actually had curly hair herself. It was a life giving moment for me! 

Little Women

Gorgeous new movie entitled Little Women just came out this December. Since my little girl and I have both read and loved the book, we wanted to see it. Plus, she had a free movie ticket from Frozen burning a hole in her pocket. So we loved it!

The movie of course tells the story of the four girls who were growing up in the Civil War era world of New England.  There were several sad scenes as one of the girls dies. It made us both sob.
Grief is never an easy place to be.

However, I really enjoyed the movie for the simple reason that they stayed true to the story and really dived into the characters maybe in a way that when done well simply allows the story to fly, allows the true depth of meaning in the story to fly. It doesn't try to bring something out of nothing or create tension that isn't there. The story is told for the sake of the story. And I love that.

Also, the depth of the poverty, the contrast between those who have and those who do not, the dependence that females had on males, and that contrast wasn't preached, it was merely explained to the audience who didn't know, without an agenda. Just merely talking through how life was.

I forgot how carefree the female gender in the first world nations can be. The vast majority of women in my generation, in my country, have it very well. I can work, hold office, pay taxes, vote, and keep my own pay in a way that centuries of women have never been able to.  Truly we live in a different place then even a hundred years ago.   I:m grateful.

That being said, the story also inspired me to write. I find that most of the stories I loved growing up were about girls who wrote. Louise May Alcott. Lucy Maud Montgomery. Stories. Writers. Journalism. Women who couldn't get it out of their head and thus had to write it down. More and more I find that's exactly where I am. I cant stop writing. I don't know how to not write anymore.
Its like the time has finally come to write.

To feverishly sit and write. So I will.
By the grace of God.

Holy Sexuality and the Gospel

Book Review -

Holy Sexuality and the Gospel - Christopher Yuan

Sex, Desire and Relationships shaped by God's grand story

A couple of months ago, my husband preached a series of sermons on relationships in our church. He spoke regarding marriage, sexuality and another elder in our church preached regarding singleness.
This book, Holy Sexuality and the gospel, was one of the references they gave and I finally got around to reading it this last month or so.

It has been an incredible read regarding how God has addressed sexuality at every level, and a call to holiness in the midst of this broken world.  I can't even begin to dive into the vast amount of knowledge that Yuan walks through in these pages.

His main theme throughout the book is that  "The world tells us those of us with same-sex attraction that our sexuality is the core of who we are. But God's word paints quite a different picture....my true idenity is in Jesus Christ alone." -pg. 3

Walking through the concept and weaving in his own story, Yuan asks the question "Is sexuality who we really are?"  He answers it, "Thus rejecting our inherent essence and replacing it simply with what we feel or do is in reality an attempted coup d'etat against our Creator. We don't need to find our identity; our identity is given by God." - pg. 10

I think what struck me so greatly about this book is that it wasn't a drastic shift from all the other relationship books. What was so encouraging about it for me was that he said all the things that we have said privately for years. That marriage isn't the ultimate goal of life. That homesexuals aren't being saved from homesexuality, but they like all humans need Christ. The purpose of our evanglism towards those who don't believe is not sudden removal of all homesxual tendencies. It is salvation from sin. Not salvation from homesexuality .

Also, he has some profound thoughts regarding the biblical teachings on singleness. "I'll say it again, rether then think of singlesness as a temporary state before marriage, think of marriage as a temporary state before eternity. The presence of both married and single people in the church reminds us that we're between the ages."

Its just one of the most excellent books regarding singleness, marriage, holy sexuality, homesexuality, and the Bible that I've ever read.

His comments regarding marriage are incredibly insightful as well. "Marriage may be an expression of fiedlity, but its not the highest ideal of fidelity. God is. No one is more faithful then God. Marriage may be an expression of devotion, but no one is more devoted then God himself. Marriage may be an expression of sacrifice, but no sacrifice is greater then the One who gave his life for us! Marriage may be where family begins, but the only ture and lasting family is the family of God, the body of Christ." - pg. 78

"Thus, the biblical opposite of homosexuality is not heterosexuality -that's not the ulitmate goal. But the opposite of homesxuality is holiness. As a matter of fact, the opposite of any sin struggle is holiness." - pg. 52

"Godly marriage and godly singleness are two sides of the same coin. We should stop emphasizing only one without the other.  Both are good. Holy sexuality - chasitity in singleness and faithfulness in marriage - is God's good standard for everyone." - pg. 52

This book is rich and full of incredible insights into biblical sexuality. Please read it!

Concluding the book, Yuan includes two-three chapters regarding how to love a friend or family member who confesses same sex attraction and some very practicial responses. I found that one of the most helpful aspects of this book. I would highly recommend this author for his depth of study, his knowledge of both the homesxual world and the complexities of Christianity in this modern day.  He answered many questions that have swirled around in my head regarding homosexuality and the Gospel.
Very thankful to have had the chance to read it!

Disappointment

Yesterday, I was listening to this talk by Paul Tripp, regarding disappointment.

 It was a really encouraging quote, so I thought I would share it.

"Rather then being disappointed with ourselves for having let our dreams control us, we tend to be disappointed with God and we tend to wonder why He doesn't love us more. 

Rather then seeing the failure of a dream as a good thing because that failure releases us from the dreams captivity, we tend to be disappointeed with God and tend to question 

His faithfulness, His goodness and love,

and rather then move towards Him in our disappointment, we move away from Him."

 - Paul Tripp

https://www.paultripp.com/podcast/posts/dreams-death-disappointment-and-disaster

Dec 11, 2019

Rest is...

"Rest, therefore, is not the absence of work or failure to consider and to carry out a plan. It is work and leisure properly ordered. It is doing the right thing at the right time, realizing that our task is to hear God's call and follow His commands, and then trust that God will be God - and to be at rest even while at work."

 - Sarah Mackenzie, Teaching from Rest, 

Rest is…

A friend gave me a book recently called, Teaching from Rest, about the concept of homeschooling from a place of rest instead of worry, etc… It has been helpful mentally to process. I highly recommend it if you desire to learn more about teaching or even parenting from rest instead of anxiety.



I’ve been learning a lot about rest this year. Most years I feel God is working on a specific concept in my heart, as I am slow to let concepts sink into my brain.

“Rest, then is not the absence of work or toil. It is the absence of anxiety or frenzy.”

- Teaching from Rest –

I feel like that was a large part of our summer, learning to rest. Not necessarily sitting around and doing nothing, but not worrying about the same things we always worry about here on the mission field, or in the pastoral ministry. We left our social media behind when we left, we left any contact info, any way to get ahold of us. And we rested from worry. Most of the time. I still wondered. But it was a different kind of rest.



Resting in ministry means leaving the weight of the people and their burdens behind too, knowing God will give them what they need, through someone else perhaps, or through Himself alone. They don’t need me. I found also that ministry can be an addiction of sorts, where if I don’t have it I crave it and make more of it, because that makes me feel important.



Repenting of that and seeing that if God desires me to minister that He will provide the space. If not, then He won’t. So resting, that allowed me the chance to see that God is going to do the work, and He may use us. He may not. Either way, I want to learn to rest well.



A wise couple quoted this verse to me this year, and I have heard it repeatedly over the last few months.

Isaiah 30:15

This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says:

“In repentance and rest is your salvation,

    in quietness and trust is your strength,

    but you would have none of it.”

Rather my heart would like to strive. My heart would like to feel anxiety because that’s what I’m used to. Rather, I need to rest. Rest in the finished work of Christ. Rest in the knowledge that God is doing the work. Rest instead of worry.


More resources:
Paul David Tripp's mediation on rest

https://youtu.be/3JZK53z96f4

Another great article on rest

https://www.crossway.org/articles/is-rest-just-a-dream/

Licensing Process

The driving licensing exam here in Okinawa. It has been an overwhelming task since we arrived on the island almost four years ago now. Finally, this year I decided to just do the work and get a license!

Every prefecture (similar to states) has different requirements. In Okinawa there are four tests in total…a written 50 question exam (T/F), driving exam on a closed course for a permit, a written 95 question exam (T/F) and an actual road test. After the permit is completed, you are also required to have five days of driving practice with a licensed Japanese driver who has been driving for more then three years. Each recorded day of driving must be more then 1 hour, has specific requirements for signage on the car and can not be running errands, etc... as the time is specific for driving. Then after the final road test, there is an all day driving course/CPR course that must be taken. The last step, is a thirty min lecture at the DMV.

Most Americans/foreigners take a shortened version of these tests, translating their countries licenses into Japanese, taking the 50 question exam and then the closed course driving test.

I could not take that route because for the last six years I have not worked outside of the home, thus there is no paperwork which proves that I’ve been in America for any length of time.

So I had to begin at the beginning.

Interestingly, most Japanese (more than 90% according to one website I read) also don’t follow the same process that I chose to because of the amount of time it takes to make it happen. Instead, they will pay $3,000-$4,000 to attend driving schools who will work with the student until he or she passes all the exams. 

We don’t have extra thousands lying around, so I rolled the dice and ended up paying roughly $800 for all of the steps involved.

Why is this important?

Because although legally I’m able to drive with the international driving permits we have acquired yearly, they are actually only supposed to be used once. Since there is no way to officially track the permits, there is no way to prove we have been getting multiple permits. It’s a loophole that we can not continue to chance. It has to be done if we are staying the country for any length of time.

Jon does have paperwork to prove that he has been in America, since he has W2’s and tax forms, etc… so he will be taking the shortened version of this process.

So I began.

I actually began the fall we arrived in Oct, 2016. I started the permit written exam and failed it. It took such a long time to get everything figured out, and a large chunk of a day to take the test, that even though I began the process then, I chose to wait until after our son, Owen, was born and finished nursing. I may actually have been able to take the tests with a nursing baby, I discovered just at the very end. But its too late now.

So this year, Owen wasn’t a baby anymore, Jon and I decided to get this process started and then I broke my leg, literally the day before Jon was going to begin.

That delayed everything by three months. 

I started in March.

 It took two more tries to pass the written permit exam, then three tries (by God’s grace alone) to pass the closed course driving test. (To put this into perspective, most people who take these tests fail an average of 5-6 times per driving test)

The English version of the driving book and my paperwork for the written tests

Then my friend, Satomi and I drove around for five days and I attempted to pass the 95 question exam. I failed that three times. 

We left for two and a half months for the summer, and that completely eliminated all the driving on the paperwork because that record expired after three months. So my friend and I did that again with our three kids in the back.

I passed on the fourth attempt of the written test because another friend had some practice questions in English that explained exactly what the questions were attempting to get at in broken English.

Then I began the driving road tests on the actual road. The paper above is the notification of which day I would be scheduled to take the test.  Within a week and a half, I had failed three times.

 I think what shook me so much in all of that was that it just seemed so daunting. I literally was ready to quit. 

This was at a nearby park where sometimes I ate lunch

With each test, I realized that its just a matter of time before something will click and I will eventually pass it. But with the driving test, it seemed to be so subjective to what I was doing, the driving instructors mood, the way the road was in the moment, and the interpretation of the rules of each instructor was so different. Some were exacting. Some were more lenient. 

Interestingly, the instructor who passed me for the permit exam and eventually the driving test was the same guy. He was calm and helpful each time. I felt like maybe he was a Christian but there was no way to ask that question during any of our conversations.

Holding the paper that proves I passed the last road test! 

Then I waited a month for the last steps. If I was a doctor or a nurse, I could have skipped this last part – the attendance of an all day driving school course. I waited a month because the person who spoke English was available then. 

But because that was a month away, the DMV people had to literally create a new permit for me, another almost $60 to extend it for another six months.

I waited. And breathed a sigh of relief at the break from emotional turmoil and constant leaving of my kids with others. 

The driving school

The day before my birthday came and I spent the entire day with a driving instructor and two other guys who were in the same course. We drove for most of the day, took several breaks, and then completed a CPR class. The first part with the driving was largely in English. The CPR course was entirely in Japanese. Thankfully, one of the other guys was able to translate a bit, and I’ve taken CPR multiple times before.

At the end of the day, 7:30 pm to be exact, I was able to hold two certificates in my hand and celebrate that the worst of the process was over. Five separate steps, a ridiculous amount of stress, and a crazy amount of upheaval in our family was done.

Three days later, Jon, the kids and I tumbled into the van and headed down to the DMV, a thirty min or so ride to Naha, our main city here, to turn in the paperwork. I initially thought the time given to turn in the paperwork at the DMV was 11:30-11:45. Apparently it was 11-11:30 AM. That’s literally all the time they give you!

We got there with five mins to spare and I rushed inside. Thankfully, all the paperwork was taken, I paid the last $20 and got my unsmiling picture taken. As I was leaving the picture place, the lady said all in Japanese to go to room C.  After getting that information translated, I realized I wasn’t done. I had to leave and come back in an hour for another lecture. There was to be a thirty minute lecture and then I would be given my license.

We went to find lunch at Lawsons, a convenience store here, and ran around for a few minutes with the kids. They dropped me back off at the DMV and I listened to a thirty min lecture entirely in Japanese. Thankfully, the instructor had a paper printed with all the necessary information in English regarding points on first year licensed drivers. Then we were invited to spend $10 on a license preservation book and a lady came in with our licenses!!!! All fifty or so people that were in the room together lined up and she handed us our licenses.

My first year driving sticker!

It was a surreal moment. Something was almost disappointed in me.

After all that time, I really had some enjoyable moments of mental break, had drawn close to God, had spent a lot of time in prayer over this…and nope, I wouldn’t miss it. I was really, really grateful to be done. And so were the kids. And so was Jon. And so were all the friends who graciously supported me but were probably sick of hearing about it. Its been literally a year.

Thank you, God that its over. And may you guide all those who are on their own through this long, long process to get your license. 

In the states, if you are a new driver, it does literally take six months or more. But there’s a much more definable process. Here I had the barrier of language, the complexity of being overseas, the frustration of not being able to understand what was required, the time, the money to make it happen, and the struggle of my own inability to do what was being asked. 

I’m grateful that even though it was hard that God gave me an abundance of help along the way, through Jonathan and through family and friends who loved, prayed, baby sat, walked through each step with me, didn’t give up, and told me to keep going. And its over. YES!