Because fifteen years ago, on my first Mother’s Day, I had just a week before been through my second D&C, having lost our first pregnancy to miscarriage. Through a complicated three month long process involving two D&C surgeries, my body finally was on the road to recovery.
But instead of holding a child that day, I had a panic attack. My body was overwhelmed at every single level. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was probably also experiencing post-partum depression which is possible with miscarriage.
In the midst of all that swirl of emotion, I remember feeling the pain of rejection by what I thought was God’s hand.
Surely God hated me, hated my husband and I and that’s why we had lost this child. And through such a painful process.
But God. He was weeping with us. In our pain. He didn’t leave our side or turn His back on us. He is the giver and sustainer of life and I will firmly believe that until I see His face in glory, but I don’t believe God cursed us or hated us and thus we lost our three babies.
I believe God is good and causes all things to work together for good, even if I never know why my body couldn’t carry those children to term.
In all, this Mother’s Day, as so many others before it, I remember first the joy of each child God has given us to love. I remember the pain of the loss. I remember that both sorrow and joy can be intertwined and that God is with us in both.
He has been good to us. Even if this was not the outcome, He still would have been good.
But I’m so incredibly glad that we have been given three healthy beautiful children who are a blessing on every side. We have seen both the hard years of infertility, that of loss, the years of struggle and now we are able to rejoice in what God has given us. For each of these ten gifts has been a gift from God’s hand. And I am glad.
Read more of our story and that of four other ladies who lost children to miscarriage in our book on Amazon - Our Stories
