Grief

This last week has been difficult emotionally.

My husband's grandmother passed away after a short illness. We are too far away to go be with the family to grieve alongside them. It has been difficult for us all, but especially for my husband.

Two individuals who we knew in ministry life have died as well. One tragically and another through cancer. That's been hard to process.

This time of year is the PCS cycle. Where we mourn the loss of all those who have been a part of our lives for years. Or maybe months.

We really don't like this time of year.

I sobbed in the car after saying goodbye to a good friend and my daughter came with me. She cried, too, as her friend was also leaving with their family. It made me sadder.

I wish I could stop the pain of loss. I wish I could celebrate the next thing to come.

But instead I just feel sad. and overwhelmed at a loss for words.

"You have put me in the lowest pit,
    in the darkest depths.
7 Your wrath lies heavily on me;
    you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.[d]
8 You have taken from me my closest friends
    and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;
9     my eyes are dim with grief" Psalm 88:6-9
Psalm 88:6-9

Finishing up this encouraging book called, Partners in Ministry - Help and Encouragement for Ministry Wives by Christine Hoover.

Excellent read.

One of the quotes that really struck me was ..."And because I can go to Him to receive everything I need, I can take what I receive and then go and give, pouring out my life just as Christ poured out His life for me. He serves me (What a thought!) and I serve Him in response by serving others with the very love He's given me.
So perhaps I can even find the strength to unload the dishwasher." (Found in the chapter When you need to receive)

I've been trying to figure out the balance between always pouring out your life, heart, mind, and your entire being and actually having a personhood on the other side of that....like I'm not a robot and I have needs and feelings too.

So what does that look like?


And this concept of the fact that when I am pouring out my life, God is actually giving to me. I'm pouring out and pouring out and then I'm empty and I'm tired of hearing people's problems and then I want to hide in a corner. But God is actively encouraging and strengthening me and hasn't left me.  In fact, He is serving me.

Why? I should be the one pouring out, right?

Nope.

He's the one who is serving me.

My son has this children's craft on his wall...its the same concept. Jesus loves me and can enable me to serve others.

Its not a matter of me spending my life and then forgetting that I too have a limit. Its when I reach that limit that I realize that I needed God all along.  And He is limitless. He is God. He has no end to what He can do.  No limit to what He can provide. His patience never goes empty with me. I am ever grateful for that.

It felt like a release to my heart!!

Unplanned

Tonight, my husband and I watched the movie, Unplanned. Its about the story of a planned preganncy director leaving the aborition industry because she saw an abortion being performed, after years of assisting women in their abortions.

I want to sob. I want to cry over the losses of these little ones. The 22,000 abortions that she assisted in.  But my heart is numb. And is unsure of how to process that.
Its too overwhelming.

I've never had an abortion. But I had three D&C's. The same medical procedure.  Except I was asleep for all of my surgeries.

These women have surgery in a room, with a dr, but still it seemed so unprofessional in the long run. So on the fly. With no concern for real medical care.

I'm sad to see it all. And wish I could stop it somehow.

To educate those who have abortions that they aren't alone. That there are other options.

But I can't.

I live in Japan.

What can I do here?

Suffering

Suffering is usually something we fear. Something we avoid. In fact, my generation goes out of its way to avoid possible pain, struggle or a fear. I would rather ignore that then deal with it.

So when my wallet was either lost or stolen while we were in Australia, my heart had a struggle.
Interestingly enough, we were at a church conference in which the last speaker had shared his heart about suffering and how it was necessary to go through suffering in order to achieve God's purposes.
I was processing some other areas of my life that were a moment of suffering, having feared the dealing with them thing because that meant that more suffering was ahead. So I had surrendered to God that fear, dealt with the pain that was being pushed away and had what some would  call a come to Jesus moment.

Two hours later, my wallet containing all my identification except for my passport, was gone. In a foreign country. And I had to return to another foreign country which was not my passport country.
I was nervous to say the least.

Thankfully there were no problems returning back to our home. However, my heart had been through the wringer.

I didn't understand what the point was. God could have prevented the theft or loss easily. He's done it before.  The cost to replace all the cards was a very minimal one and my wallet (which has yet to be replaced) was falling apart.

However, my heart was left wondering why.

It seems like a little suffering in the broad scheme of life. I didn't contact a deadly disease or have some other crime committed.  However, my heart has struggled with the timing of it all.

And I know others have much worse happening right now. But for some reason I'm still processing it. And I've wanted to go numb, to ignore it, to pretend like it didn't matter, or that somehow I've moved past that, because its so small...

But like this author says...
"We often go numb because we think we can't handle the darkness; the darkness in us, the darkness around us. Our hearts grow tired of carrying hurt and it feels much easier to disengage. The lie we believe is that a full life is a life without pain.
But as we move through the dark, we search frantically for God, not for ideas about Him but for God Himself.  He is there, right past our idea of a perfect comfortable life."  (Nothing to Prove by Jennie Allen)

That's what I really want from God. I want no more suffering. I want nothing else to mar my perfect world. And instead I spend my time mourning the loss of what I expected instead of seeing the beauty of what  God is doing in the middle of it.

Because I lost/had my wallet stolen, we were able to find a friend's daughter's backpack that she misplaced. I was able to get the paperwork for my husband for our son's visa. We were able to get a replacement insurance card for our son which needed to happen. The CC ended up needing to be replaced anyhow a couple of weeks later.  I had to replace one of my Ids in a couple of months anyhow. We had the joy of watching God accomplish all of that in a short amount of time. Our church family prayed for us, and I was able to see God get me thorough immigration with no problems.

So good came from it. And no money was taken from our bank thankfully.
But I'm still dealing with it...its not completely over yet. I still have minor store cards that have to be replaced.
"Jesus has a plan for our suffering, but that cannot be accomplished if we keep trying to push it into a safe, tidy place in our closet.  His plans in us are accomplished as we move into the pain. We can face the suffering because Jesus is there in the midst of it." (Nothing to prove)

I have felt peace since all this happened, but still a sense of perplexion.  Uncertainty.  And even betrayal by God. And a sense of nakedness because my entire life was known by the crook or even by whoever eventually found it. A sense of lack of privacy. Uncertainty if there will be future ramifications. So still some work to be done with God. Some questions to bring before Him.

All this from one little wallet.

Do the next thing

This phrase is so common in our culture today. I'm not sure it originated with this poem. However, I found it really encouraging when I read it today in the devotional,
"Beholding and Becoming" by Ruth Chou Simons.
She copied it from Elisabeth Elliot's newsletter here.

"From an old English parsonage down by the sea,
There come in the twilight a message for me,
Its quaint Saxon legend, deeply engraven,
Hath, as it seems to me, teaching from Heaven.
And on through the hours the quiet words ring,
Like a low inspiration: DO THE NEXT THING.

Many a questioning, many a fear,
Many a doubt, hath its quieting here.
Moment by moment let down from Heaven,
Time, opportunity, guidance, are given.
Fear not tomorrows, Child of the King,
Trust them with Jesus. DO THE NEXT THING.

Do it immediately; do it with prayer;
Do it reliantly, casting all care;
Do it with reverence, tracing His hand
who placed it before thee with earnest command,
stayed on Omnipotence, safe 'neath His wing,
leave all resultings. DO THE NEXT THING.

Looking to Jesus, ever serener,
{working or suffering} be thy demeanor.
In His dear presence, the rest of His calm,
the light of His countenance be thy psalm.
Strong in His faithfulness, praise and sing!
Then, as He beckons thee, DO THE NEXT THING."
(Source unknown)

Bingata Painting!

My first Bingata painting!

Bingata is a very old Okinawan process of dyeing cloth Okinawan with stencils and bright colors.  It is a gorgeous art form and I'm really glad I was able to enjoy making one to hang on our wall.
In case you want to read more of it, here is a good article on it!

For my friend's birthday, a bunch of ladies went out to paint at this really cool painting place in Naha. It was called Gusuku Bingata Dyeing Studio. First, we picked out our patterns and then they laid them out on the table with the paint. I was so excited!! One of my favorite things to do in life is paint! Every chance I get to paint is a beautiful one. I like to play music, podcast, or some 'old' TV show in the background. After we had all our patterns, the instructor explained that you had to soak the paint into the fabric and slowly rub the paint in circles. We spent about forty-five minutes painting our designs which dried as we painted. After all the pictures, we were given directions for a week later. So I brought mine home and laid it out to dry for a week. After a week, I rinsed out the glue and then soaked it for a couple of hours. Then, it came out all cute!

These are the fish flags that fly in the spring for Children's Day

Brevity of LIfe

It's Cherry Blossom Season again - a short 3-4 weeks in the spring here in Japan. The weather has felt especially cold and bitter somedays and other days it feels warm and full of promise. I know this happens every spring, but somehow it reminds me of the shortness of life.

The buds are just beginning to open up and become flowers. Soon, they will be gone and replaced by fully mature green leaves.

It reminds me of the shortness of this parenting season. My children are tiny and ready to grow, but they will soon be grown, not in need of constant care. I need to learn to appreciate where they are at, but sometimes I mourn that its hard or that its not an easy path to maturity.

Rather, I should sense the time is fleeting, my time will not be forever, they will move onto other places, have other loves, other desires. They will not always cling to me, or demand my attention, or seek me out as if I'm lost and they found me.

Someday, they will want me but not as desperately as they do now when they are scared or overwhelmed or just bored.

So like the cherry blossoms, I should learn to cherish the time.  It is short. It is fleeting. And the life they have is precious.

Work

The holidays are over. The parties are done.

Why am I having such a hard time working again? Why am I not motivated to dive back in?

What's the hang up?

Why should we work?

There's a moment when rest is over and work must begin. For a parent there's never really an off time, you must always be ready to work or you are being a lazy parent and allowing your kids to fend for themselves.

Work is choosing to do what needs to be done when you would rather be on the couch being lazy.

When its time to work, I'm learning how to keep at it. Sometimes, I tend to be lazy, part of which is probably is probably because I had a fairly lax schedule as a homeschooler. Every day as long as my chores and school work was done, I could schedule life however I wished mostly alone. which made my introverted heart happy.
But when its time to work, I should view it as a good thing. Our church did a series on work and the theology of worka year or so ago. It was good to hear because sometimes I forget that God is the one who created work for good. Sin mares all of life including work, but its actually a good thing for both our bodies and our minds.

So I should rejoice in work instead of dreading it. I want to be able to see how God has created it for good and not dread the time to work.

Nor do I want to be a work-aholic and forget about all the other things and people God has also called me to.

Hair

Every part of my hair has defined me throughout my life. I have red hair. It s a defining characteristic. I also have thick curly hair. And I live in one of the most humid places on earth. 

Needless to say, it has been an integral part of my life since birth. 

When our family moved here to Okinawa, I had a hard time finding a good solution for a hair stylist as I didn't know where to go or what to do. 

It has taken me on a long journey, from the worst hair cut of my life, resulting in wearing super short hair for a very long time, to a hair cut at a missionary retreat, to a stylist in the states, to here finding a lady who is cutting hair on base. 

It was quite literally a spiritual experience for me. I was scared that it would go really badly and then I would be forced to live with it for awhile. 

But it didn't go badly. The hair stylist was a master curly hair lady and actually had curly hair herself. It was a life giving moment for me!