pieces

It’s hard to explain. We have been here for only 6 1/2 years. But in that time, our souls have connected with hundreds of people. I have given my heart to multiple ladies, shared my story, heard theirs, entered their lives. And then they leave and I remain. And my heart still feels a bit of pain. A reminder that this world is not our home. I’ll see things that remind me of them or remember stories they told or eat food that they mentioned and realize no one here cares or heard or saw the same things I did. It’s this ever present joy that I can’t share with someone else because they are gone. Not dead. Lol. But just gone and that life we had together as friends and sisters will never be the same. 

so embrace it. Do all the fun things you can. Jump into that relationship as much as possible. But remember our hope is in heaven and not here on earth. These beautiful friends can never take the place of the One, Jesus, who has promised never to leave us or forsake us. And He will be with us always, even to the end of the earth. 

Mother’s Day

Fifteen years ago, if you had told me that I would be a mother to three, fostered four kids and lost three to miscarriage, I would have laughed in your face. 

Because fifteen years ago, on my first Mother’s Day, I had just a week before been through my second D&C, having lost our first pregnancy to miscarriage. Through a complicated three month long process involving two D&C surgeries, my body finally was on the road to recovery. 

But instead of holding a child that day, I had a panic attack. My body was overwhelmed at every single level. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was probably also experiencing post-partum depression which is possible with miscarriage. 

In the midst of all that swirl of emotion, I remember feeling the pain of rejection by what I thought was God’s hand. 

Surely God hated me, hated my husband and I and that’s why we had lost this child. And through such a painful process. 

But God. He was weeping with us. In our pain. He didn’t leave our side or turn His back on us. He is the giver and sustainer of life and I will firmly believe that until I see His face in glory, but I don’t believe God cursed us or hated us and thus we lost our three babies.

I believe God is good and causes all things to work together for good, even if I never know why my body couldn’t carry those children to term.

In all, this Mother’s Day, as so many others before it, I remember first the joy of each child God has given us to love. I remember the pain of the loss. I remember that both sorrow and joy can be intertwined and that God is with us in both. 

He has been good to us. Even if this was not the outcome, He still would have been good.

But I’m so incredibly glad that we have been given three healthy beautiful children who are a blessing on every side. We have seen both the hard years of infertility, that of loss, the years of struggle and now we are able to rejoice in what God has given us. For each of these ten gifts has been a gift from God’s hand. And I am glad.

Read more of our story and that of four other ladies who lost children to miscarriage in our book on Amazon - Our Stories

deconstructed faith

This article has an incredible perspective on deconstruction of one’s faith. Just clear understanding of what that looks like in peoples lives.

Infertility

For years, infertility marked my life.

My husband and I were married when he was 24 and I was 22. We didn't want to start having kids right away as we were in school, but we also didn't work hard to prevent pregnancy.

We were eagerly looking forward to having kids, but weren't in any rush. We should have started sooner, is something I often regret.

in the fall of 2006, I thought I had become pregnant and went to check that out with a doctor who did some basic urine tests and basically told me that I was imaging it.  I found another dr who did an ultrasound but by then a month or so had passed and there was nothing to see even if there was a pregnancy.

A couple of months later, we discovered happily that I was pregnant and then lost the baby at 12 weeks.  A year from then, I was again pregnant and then again we lost the baby at 7-8 weeks.

I was so disappointed. It was a hard pill to swallow as we had begun to be foster parents and I was now caring for other people's kids who had not been capable of caring for them.

We were overwhelmed because medically there was a lot of options, but we never really had enough to afford any testing. Our insurance at the time refused to cover anything other then basic blood work.

I knew more about fertility and menstrual cycles and what to expect then most people do in a lifetime. Most of it has faded over time thankfully..

It took another year before we did a very painful test called a Hysterosalpingogram - an injecting of dye into the vagina and then a series of x-rays.  I found out I had a tilted uterus and also that all the my tubes were working properly. One of my biggest fears through all the pregnancies was that I would have an Ectopic pregnancy and die from it.  By God's grace I never had one.

We eventually talked to a fertility specialist at the clinic and were able to begin using Clomedia, a hormone, to stimulate the uterus to begin producing more hormones so that if we were to get pregnant that I would be able to maintain the pregnancy.

I also did some basal thermometer readings, finding out that my ovulation cycle was off by three days. Most women ovulate 14 days after the beginning of a period, I ovulated at 11 days, thus always being off when I was trying to get pregnant.

And I marked the start of my period like a hawk. And watched each sign to see if I was expecting.
Tension at the beginning of every period was intense because I really, really wanted to get pregnant and thought that if I just tried something that it would work.

I think I made myself crazy with all the different steps.

and I know I made my husband crazy.

I was truly thankful that unlike many infertility/infant loss stories, that we didn't end up in divorce. That is actually the case for some that they choose not to be together. And they can't get past the grief.

We did have a successful pregnancy - our first born, Emma Grace in April of 2010. She was a beautiful sweet girl and has been since the first day. Very grateful for her.

Then began the next year and a half of wondering and waiting.  We didn't get anymore testing, but when I finished nursing Emma at 16 months, I did wonder if I would ever get pregnant again. After almost 2 years we did again get pregnant and although I did blood work, etc.. I lost the third miscarriage at 5 weeks.
Another year went by in which we moved away from our drs and I had to find another dr who would understand the massive amount of paperwork I had accumulated by this point. I was given a prescription for more hormones to sustain a pregnancy monthly. I took every couple of months for a year and then became pregnant in 2014 with our first son, Jonathan Darwin. That was during another move to a new area of the US so I was scrambling to find a dr who would understand the situation and know how to help us sustain his life.

Johnny was born in Dec 2, 2014 and I nursed him for about a year and a couple months. 

I became pregnant with our youngest and last rather suddenly only a month after weaning Johnny. I again had a scare with this pregnancy as at about 7 weeks, there was some spotting and they couldn’t find the heartbeat on the ultrasound machines. We had a rather anxious week in which I passed a huge clot of grey matter. We both thought the end had come. But it did not. 

We went back the next week and although the first set of machines again showed no heartbeat, the dr moved us to a newer one which instantly showed a beating heart and movement inside my womb. Our son, Owen Timothy was born several months later on Jan 6, 2017. 

A couple years later, after we had time to process all the things that had happened, my husband and I decided to proceed with stopping our fertility journey. He chose to go under the knife and I was grateful. 

In all, I spent 10+ years of our life pregnant or nursing with all the miscarriages and our sweet kiddos.

Haven’t gotten to the point where I would desire the miscarriage or infertility again but I’m grateful for the blessings of our three children here and the three in heaven. It has been a whirlwind. And I’m glad to be on the other side of that 17 years later.

favorite books

Often I’m asked what my favorite books are and I usually draw a blank. So I’ve decided to start writing them down.

Fiction- I have a few but the most significant author for me is Lucy Maud Montgomery. She wrote many books in her lifetime, the most well known is the Anne of Green Gables series. But I fell in love with her books as a child/teen and have loved them ever since. She has a way of writing that draws one in. Weaving stories from her own life and just the life of living on an island in the Canadian seas. I found my love for staring at the ocean from her work. Waiting for the sailors of old to come in from their hard fought battles with the sea. :)

I also love the Count of Monte Cristo and Les Miserables. I read both of them too young and it was a laborious work at the time but the redemption elements in both stories have always fascinated me. 

I also loved Little Women and the series that follows and the Five Little Peppers series. 

And of course Lord of the Rings and C.S Lewis the Narina series. The pull for both for me has been the beauty of the journey and the parallels to our call as Christians. In re-reading the Lord of the Rings as an adult and knowing more of the author’s story, I have seen more of the PTS that he may have suffered from and maybe the struggle with processing the beauty of his world and what he left behind to fight in a war he didn’t want to go to. Interesting dynamic.

Parenting - give them grace 

Missional motherhood

Don’t make me count to three for practical side

Marriage - what did you expect - Paul David Tripp

When sinners say I do for more ethereal

What’s it like to be married to me for an honest look at the aspects of how I relate to others

Christian life - anything by Elizabeth Elliot

Biography- unbroken- single best book and most intense book I’ve ever read

He just is unbroken after horrible things happen over and over and over again until he returns from the war and finds Christ and his whole entire life changes . Everything because of Jesus.

Amy charmichael- just to see what her life could have been and she gave it all up to sacrifice for others

Others

Quiet - a recognition of what introverts truly are like.. an incredibly well thought out understanding of the world of introverts

Really helped me understand myself much better

still gone

It’s been about 14 years. 15 I guess. The years are flying since we last saw our babies. The first was in 2007. The second in 2008. And the last miscarriage in 2012. 

Every day I don’t think about them anymore. It’s not a gut wrenching moment or heartbreaking cry any longer.

But I wish they were here. I wish I had my six children surrounding me with energy. I wish my oldest was in the middle like her birth order would have been. I wish my boys had those older siblings to mess with them. I wish that our kids were here. I miss them.

I’ve literally wrote a whole book with four friends and my husband on miscarriage, which you can read here on Amazon.  

Some days it doesn’t even faze me. Other days I long for the moment when all that is broken will be made whole. I long for the days when I am no longer mourning and can be with them in heaven. 

Meanwhile, I want to enjoy and rejoice in the days I have been given here. In the family that surrounds my husband and I daily. I truly am glad for the three children who make us laugh, cry and just generally glad to be alive. They are a blessing every single day and I wouldn’t trade them for anything. They are amazing and I’m glad God has given them to us. 

I will hope in your name

“For what you have done I will always praise you in the presence of your faithful people. And I will hope in your name, for your name is good.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭52:9‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://psalm.bible/psalm-52-9

He is good. His name is good and He is worthy of praise. God, thank you for all you have done for me . 

40

Today is my fortieth birthday. I’ve been well celebrated already by so many kind people. Thankful for the abundance that God has blessed me with in this significant milestone. 

Because I’m turning 40, I’ve been drawn to Isaiah 40 over and over again these past couple weeks. In there God speaks of comforting His people for their warfare has ended and pardon has been received, tells His people to prepare as God’s glory will be revealed and celebrated that beautiful joy that even though all else fades, God’s Word remains forever.

I think for me this chapter is an incredible reminder of the goodness of God. He has been there from the beginning. He tends his flock and gently leads those with young. 

That’s me. 

I’m one of His flock. He leads me.

The one who measured the waters of the earth in the hollow of his hand, who weighs the mountains and hills on a scale and needs no one to teach Him. That’s the one who leads me. 

Thank you, God. 

“To whom will you liken God?” There is no one

“Do you not know? Do you not hear? …Have you heard from the foundations of the earth? 

It is He who sits above the circle of the earth”

Not me.

As I contemplate the 40 years God has given me and the many amazing blessings He has provided, the thought makes me realize how very small I am in the broad scheme of life. 

But yet, God still cares specifically and individually for me.

“Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; His understanding is unsearchable. 

He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary and young men shall fall exhausted; 

But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles;

They shall run and not be weary. They shall walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:28-31

Thank you, God. 

Grief

This last week has been difficult emotionally.

My husband's grandmother passed away after a short illness. We are too far away to go be with the family to grieve alongside them. It has been difficult for us all, but especially for my husband.

Two individuals who we knew in ministry life have died as well. One tragically and another through cancer. That's been hard to process.

This time of year is the PCS cycle. Where we mourn the loss of all those who have been a part of our lives for years. Or maybe months.

We really don't like this time of year.

I sobbed in the car after saying goodbye to a good friend and my daughter came with me. She cried, too, as her friend was also leaving with their family. It made me sadder.

I wish I could stop the pain of loss. I wish I could celebrate the next thing to come.

But instead I just feel sad. and overwhelmed at a loss for words.

"You have put me in the lowest pit,
    in the darkest depths.
7 Your wrath lies heavily on me;
    you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.[d]
8 You have taken from me my closest friends
    and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;
9     my eyes are dim with grief" Psalm 88:6-9
Psalm 88:6-9

Finishing up this encouraging book called, Partners in Ministry - Help and Encouragement for Ministry Wives by Christine Hoover.

Excellent read.

One of the quotes that really struck me was ..."And because I can go to Him to receive everything I need, I can take what I receive and then go and give, pouring out my life just as Christ poured out His life for me. He serves me (What a thought!) and I serve Him in response by serving others with the very love He's given me.
So perhaps I can even find the strength to unload the dishwasher." (Found in the chapter When you need to receive)

I've been trying to figure out the balance between always pouring out your life, heart, mind, and your entire being and actually having a personhood on the other side of that....like I'm not a robot and I have needs and feelings too.

So what does that look like?


And this concept of the fact that when I am pouring out my life, God is actually giving to me. I'm pouring out and pouring out and then I'm empty and I'm tired of hearing people's problems and then I want to hide in a corner. But God is actively encouraging and strengthening me and hasn't left me.  In fact, He is serving me.

Why? I should be the one pouring out, right?

Nope.

He's the one who is serving me.

My son has this children's craft on his wall...its the same concept. Jesus loves me and can enable me to serve others.

Its not a matter of me spending my life and then forgetting that I too have a limit. Its when I reach that limit that I realize that I needed God all along.  And He is limitless. He is God. He has no end to what He can do.  No limit to what He can provide. His patience never goes empty with me. I am ever grateful for that.

It felt like a release to my heart!!

Unplanned

Tonight, my husband and I watched the movie, Unplanned. Its about the story of a planned preganncy director leaving the aborition industry because she saw an abortion being performed, after years of assisting women in their abortions.

I want to sob. I want to cry over the losses of these little ones. The 22,000 abortions that she assisted in.  But my heart is numb. And is unsure of how to process that.
Its too overwhelming.

I've never had an abortion. But I had three D&C's. The same medical procedure.  Except I was asleep for all of my surgeries.

These women have surgery in a room, with a dr, but still it seemed so unprofessional in the long run. So on the fly. With no concern for real medical care.

I'm sad to see it all. And wish I could stop it somehow.

To educate those who have abortions that they aren't alone. That there are other options.

But I can't.

I live in Japan.

What can I do here?